Poof

What is depression? Depression is a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. More than 350 million people of all ages suffer from depression. More women are affected by it than men.

So why the hell am I talking about this? Well, for a very simple reason, I’ve been feeling depressed for like the whole freaking month and the thoughts of suicide passes through my mind constantly especially seeing how freaking useless I am during my group projects and how am I dealing with issues in life. I let these stuff affect me too much that it is bringing me down along with it.

It is funny how I know I have issues like this and how I know I shouldn’t let it affect me but it still does affect me so much. It isn’t even funny anymore. But when I still can deal with these problems, I I used to laugh at myself for being such a dumbass for letting things that don’t directly concern me affect me so much. For example, conflicts within a group of friends that I used to be close to can still affect me a lot, I even think it is my fault that this conflict happened cos by right it is my fault. I used to be the mediator, the listening ear, the conflict solver of that group. But now I’m not close to them already as they are all mostly in TP while I am here alone in SP so how the hell am I supposed to maintain the relationships with and within the group, I’m in the west and all of them are in the east. And now I’m just blaming myself for causing it.

Another thing is stupid family. Stupid freaking family. Problems forever cocking up here and there, everything blamed on me. I don’t even feel like calling that place home anymore. It don’t feel that way anymore. It is more like a place where I take shelter at night, nothing like the place I used to call home. Home is someplace where you can truly relax, let down all your troubles of the day and fully relax and chill. Now, it is nothing like that.

I don’t even remember what made me start writing this post. Cos right now I have already forgotten it like at the 3rd paragraph hahaha oh well all that I know is that feeling depressed really suck very bad. No mood, no energy, no nothing. So many sucky weeks man. And all happening after I come back from the China trip. I guess I left a whole half of me there. Haiz.

Jun

Day 25

Heyyy… How are all of you?? I realised that I didn’t really ask abt you guys in my last few post so im sorry. Just caught up in my own little world and life kinda.
I know this post is like kinda late for the 25th day but mehhhh. Stuff happened again so yea… Work was mehhh everything was kinda meh today. It was what happened in Dana’s room that is the best part of the day hahha. We had a karaoke session in their room using the karaokeparty website. Had so much fun singing loudly and not caring how bad we all sound cos we were all having fun. And for someone who totally hates her voice, this is like a big deal. After K session, I showed Dana, Wei Ming’s wordpress blog and she was like OMGGGGGGG so much feelsssss makes me feel like giving him a hug in the morning. And then I was also like feeling the same cos yea… he can really write well but his last update was like on the 28th of December 2014. But oh wells, those kind of feelings he was feeling are not something you can shake off that easily within a few months especially since he put in so much effort into the team and in the end not be the president just cos he is doing his internship here in China and not in Singapore. It’s so unfair right???
Anyways this is all I have for today cos I’m kinda lazy and tired so yea haha. Love ya all still… Nighty nights.

“There is always inequality in life. Some men are killed in a war and some men are wounded and some men never leave the country. Life is unfair.” – John F. Kennedy

Jun

A Message To My Lover’s Girlfriend

Thought Catalog

ShutterstockShutterstock

You certainly came as a surprise.
A blip on my Facebook feed,
I nearly missed you.
But, I recognized him instantly.
That is, the man I’d been sleeping with.
The one who was smiling next to you
In your profile picture.

A quick scan on social media told the truth,
That he had so conveniently forgotten to mention.
The facts rolled in and stirred the anger that
Boiled in the pit of my stomach.
Two years together.
Countless couples selfies.
Holidays spent with family.
Sweet nothings posted on Facebook walls.
It would appear that I was the other woman.
Fan-fucking-tastic.

I almost had to scoff at us,
What a pair we made.
And our shared boytoy
So cliché.

Your face was sweet and open,
Dotted with freckles.
Your smile a little too wide;
A result, I’m sure, of a charmed life.
Your build was soft and maternal.
Dressed in…

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By Heart

By Heart

You’re asked to recite a poem (or song lyrics) from memory — what’s the first one that comes to mind? Does it have a special meaning, or is there another reason it has stayed, intact, in your mind?

Here comes the pain
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight
But here comes goodbye

– Rascal Flatts : Here Comes Goodbye

This part of the song is always stuck in my head. It has already been quite a long time since I listened to it. I guess the reason why I always remember it is cause I can relate to the lyrics somewhat. It always reminds me of the time when I’m sad or feeling depressed. And how goodbyes always come no matter how you think it won’t come.

The ones we love never really leave us – Sirius Black

Jun

Second Week Of School

Hi Guys, sorry I have not posted for a while haha cos I really had no idea what to write about and seriously my life isn’t that interesting to have stuff to blog about every time J but oh wells I can’t possibly leave this blog not updated right?? I’ll never really forgive myself if I did that haha cos I did it with my previous blog.

Soooo, last week was the official start of sch and lectures were pretty slack and easy to follow. Though I hated my BEP lecturer, he is suck a sexist, racist and whatever –ist, I can think of. His second question for the lecture is “Do you think females make a good leader?” And all of the girls in class were just like whatttttttt and cursing at him in our head about how he is such a sexist. I’m not 100% certain that is going through all the other girls’ mind but it is definitely in my mind. Urghh after that, all of us isn’t really paying attention to him already. The other lectures I had were fine, not much of a problem with them except some really can’t teach. I had no idea what one of them was talking abt the whole lecture, he was just talking to himself mumbling throughout.

Hahaha, enough abt sucky lecturers haha. We are stuck with them and it’s not like we had a say in choosing them, so I will have to live with it and pass all my modules to not see them again haha. So today I went out with Nerissa again, went to MOS again hahah. It’s like always the norm with her, MOS at toing then at most go to Popular and pray that I can find the books I want. I still can’t find gathering blue anywhere, really should go Kinokuniya. They have a wider range of books hahah, really hope I can find Gathering Blue and/or A Game of Thrones seriously want to read them so badly urghhhhh. Books I need my books. HAHA they are like my drugs hahah. AND I bought a book today hehe finally a book after so long. Bought Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell, hopefully it will not disappoint me too much haha.

That’s all for now, gotta go study for my anatomy& physiology test that is on next Monday. And seriously, please tell me if there’s anything I should blog abt and do comment Love ya all Byeee

“My girlfriend is sad and quiet and keeps me up all night worrying about her.” – Rainbow Rowell Eleanor & Park

End of the Week :D

YAY it’s Friday. Finally man, after a long week of workshops and presentation it is finally over. The feeling is just so good haha. We did a presentation today to our clients and it was so freaking scary. Scary till I took so long to calm down after the damn presentation and I stutter so much. But oh wells it is over there’s nothing I can do to change what has happened in the past soooo let’s just move on haha.

After the presentation, I went out for dinz with Dayana and had NeNe chicken at Buona Vista. It was so damn good I have to go back there again soon. The chicken isn’t really that spectacular but it was good enough for me cos I was starving, skipped breakfast and lunch cos there was still stuff that needs to be brushed up before the presentation. After NeNe chicken, we went for ICE CREAM at Marble Slab Creamery first time there and we stayed there and chatted for quite a long while about the poems Dayana wrote on her own and about the future like what we should be doing and how our lives could possibly progress.

FOOD :D Green Onion Tender Chicken :)
FOOD 😀 Green Onion Tender Chicken 🙂

Every time, after having dinz with Dayana or hanging out with her, I will have a ton of stuff to reflect and think about. She is the type that will make you realise a lot of stuff that you previously overlooked or ignored haha. So this post is a short one and also cos I’m so tired. I totally didn’t sleep much for the whole week hahah. Bye guys Thanks for reading

“Every story has an end but in life every ending is just a new beginning” Uptown Girls

Start Of Another School Semester

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ―Neale Donald Walsch

Hi guys, I suddenly got reminded of this quote while I was having a workshop today hahah. I got reminded of it as I had to somewhat step up out my comfort zone a lot and stay outside of my comfort zone for a pretty long time which isn’t something I or even anyone is that willing to do hahaha. And when I stepped out of my comfort zone, I realised some stuff that I didn’t realised or maybe I did just that I don’t want to admit it or accept that fact. SOO, in my comfort zone like everyone I’m comfortable but I’m totally not comfortable at the start of today, let me tell you why haha

Sooo, today it’s kind of the unofficial start of the new school semester for me as I’m taking a diploma plus which is an addition to my current existing diploma and basically it widens what I am learning in my current diploma and value adds to me as a person as the stuff I learnt in this dip plus is really going to be something of very much use in future when I go out for job interviews or even applying for a job in the first place but it is not guaranteed and it’s just what I feel haha. And I’m already more than half-way through completing this dip plus. Today, we had a sales pitching workshop where we learnt how to properly pitch sales to our clients and how to get them really interested. Few weeks ago, we have no idea what we were gonna do, we were asked to be in smart casual/formal attire and report at the Singapore Media Academy. Naturally for me, someone who is always seen in a t-shirt and jeans and converse, panicked not knowing how to even dress smart casual/formal as somehow my class managed to get away with not needing to wear formal for any of the presentations we done in our current diploma and it’s been like close to 1.5 years and no formal presentation. Panicking leads me to Googling definition of smart casual and what is smart casual and stuff along the same line. I literally have 3 web browsers opened with like 10 tabs each on different combinations I can wear for smart casual and looking into my closet, I have nothing even close to it hahha. So a shopping trip it is. Shopping is never good for me everything is either too big or too small for me everywhere I go due to my weird body size hahaha. So let’s skip that hahah I MIGHT talk abt me on a shopping trip in the future posts BUT no guarantee hahha.

For today, I wore a polo tee with a black cardigan carrying a tote bag, jeggings, and black ballet flats. This attire is totally something I will never be comfortable in no matter how many times I may wear it hahah, so that is kind of like a small step out of my comfort zone already. And for someone who is so conscious about how people look at them, it is really unbearable cos you feel like everybody is looking at you but they are not really looking at you. It’s something I really should get rid of but you know, it’s never easy but I’m trying my best.

Then we arrived at the location, we found out its sale pitching workshop. In my mind I was just going “Gosh save me, I’m totally not going to survive this and damn definitely need to present shit and introduce ourselves urghhhh can this day get any worse.” So workshop started and after a tortuous few minutes where we had to introduce our project we are working on (surprisingly it’s not self intro haha) and apparently the instructor started picking on me quite abit and yea this totally kicked me out of my comfort zone, seriously keeping on calling someone who is so shy in a way and scared of public speaking is as good as asking her to be bare herself for the world to see. Totally not a good feeling. So out of my comfort zone I stay. After a while, it got easier to ignore everyone else and pretend I’m only speaking to the instructor and no one else is around. Then we ended the workshop with a short team presentation on our project using what we learnt in the workshop. After ending the workshop, it felt like a big load was lifted off my chest and it felt really great hahah and back in my comfort zone I go haha. Our facilitator for the group project gave us personal feedbacks on our presentation and he was saying about how I improved a little in presenting just that I was still pretty nervous but better than before. This really made me feel better about my day in general after getting called on in workshop for so many times.

What today has showed me is that sometimes you will see some good things that you missed or didn’t know are there. HAHA. What I realised is that apparently I look good in what I wore hahaha and that if I stepped out of my comfort zone a little earlier I would have been much better at presenting but oh wells, it’s better late than never right? Haha some of you might think this doesn’t really link or you can’t see the link between what I’m saying really well but all I really wanna say is that if everyone just stay in their comfort zone forever, you will never experience things be it good or bad, happy or sad experiences. At least taking that small step out would change some stuff for you. Like maybe being the first to initate a conversation with someone new, you might just find another good friend hahah okay, I myself don’t think I’m making sense already. Haha so that’s all for now Thanks and please do comment I’ll love to hear from my readers if there is even any hahah

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ―Neale Donald Walsch