Poof

What is depression? Depression is a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. More than 350 million people of all ages suffer from depression. More women are affected by it than men.

So why the hell am I talking about this? Well, for a very simple reason, I’ve been feeling depressed for like the whole freaking month and the thoughts of suicide passes through my mind constantly especially seeing how freaking useless I am during my group projects and how am I dealing with issues in life. I let these stuff affect me too much that it is bringing me down along with it.

It is funny how I know I have issues like this and how I know I shouldn’t let it affect me but it still does affect me so much. It isn’t even funny anymore. But when I still can deal with these problems, I I used to laugh at myself for being such a dumbass for letting things that don’t directly concern me affect me so much. For example, conflicts within a group of friends that I used to be close to can still affect me a lot, I even think it is my fault that this conflict happened cos by right it is my fault. I used to be the mediator, the listening ear, the conflict solver of that group. But now I’m not close to them already as they are all mostly in TP while I am here alone in SP so how the hell am I supposed to maintain the relationships with and within the group, I’m in the west and all of them are in the east. And now I’m just blaming myself for causing it.

Another thing is stupid family. Stupid freaking family. Problems forever cocking up here and there, everything blamed on me. I don’t even feel like calling that place home anymore. It don’t feel that way anymore. It is more like a place where I take shelter at night, nothing like the place I used to call home. Home is someplace where you can truly relax, let down all your troubles of the day and fully relax and chill. Now, it is nothing like that.

I don’t even remember what made me start writing this post. Cos right now I have already forgotten it like at the 3rd paragraph hahaha oh well all that I know is that feeling depressed really suck very bad. No mood, no energy, no nothing. So many sucky weeks man. And all happening after I come back from the China trip. I guess I left a whole half of me there. Haiz.

Jun

Advertisements

SORRY

Hey guys I am so freaking sorry. I really don’t have enough time to even open another tab and start writing another post. I am just so overwhelmed by shit happening in school and everywhere around me. I have so many test and quizzes this week. 3 freaking test. One of it is like 40% of the whole module and I’m not even done preparing for it so I’m pretty much screwed.

And I am just that tiny winy bit close to murdering doctors. They are horrible people, all they have been doing for my migraines are just stuffing me with painkillers or just asking me to get more sleep. And I am just freaking going ‘rightttttt if I can get the pain of the migraine to go away or even subside with your painkillers or sleep, I won’t even be here for like the third time’ in my head. Oh wells I freaking just have to deal with whateve cards I’m dealth with in life right? There are people who are suffering even worst stuff. So I should just shut up and suck it up.

SO… I will really really really post daily again once I get pass this week. I promise hahah okay bye guys this post is sucky, I know but I did write this within a song hahah. yea that’s how I count how much time has passed. Bye

“Time flies over us, but leaves its shadow behind.” ~ Nathaniel Hawthorne

Jun

Dilemma

Hey guys like what this title says I’m in a dilemma if I can even call it that hahah. So what’s the dilemma. I have no idea too hahahha. I mean what I’m feeling now is like I wanna die and yet I don’t wanna die. Yea, it’s kind of a weird thing to be thinking about for a normal person hahah, I will never call myself normal cos I’m not exactly normal if there is even a proper definition for a normal human being.

So why this whole dying thing in the first place? I was just thinking about life. My life. And I realised something, it could be normal for everyone but then again it’s not like you would talk about your whole life to anyone right? I am pretty sure your SO doesn’t know all about your childhood righttt. The thing I realised is my life kinda have been pretty meaningless. There’s no meaning to it. There’s nothing worth remembering. True that there are fond memories with my friends and family and experiences that are truly worth remembering but what are memories? Memories are just past experiences that affect or influence our current behavior right? Granted it is important to have memories but there are all just recollection of stuff.

So reasons to why I wanna die haha. Well, as the name of my blog suggest, I am namelessly existing in this world. You guys might just be thinking ‘then go make your name known’, right like I don’t know that. I mean seriously about 150,000 people die each day and how many people are going to remember each one? I know they would have families and friends who will remember then for a while, what about those homeless people then what about abandoned babies? Even if I managed to do something that significant that people will remember me (totally not possible) how long would they remember? So what’s the whole damn point right

Second reason is that nothing in my freaking life is easy. Nothing ever goes easy. I know there are people out there living worst lives yet they are happy and whatever shit. I know. But it’s in the attitude also. I know I can change my attitude towards life and stuff. I know I can be stronger. I know but do I freaking care anymore? Nopes I don’t think I do. For example, I score well in this test I thought I would fail. Then when I go home all happy and stuff, something will either happen at home or somewhere along the way home, like my mum screaming at my brother or me getting jabbed in the face on the MRT. Me getting jabbed happens pretty often. If you guys have any ideas on how to avoid it please tell me. From what I know, it’s impossible. I am at the ‘perfect’ height, you know when people hold onto the overhead handrails thing, my face would be at the level of their elbow, be it my forehead, my chin, my nose or eyes. I’m just generally in that range so yea. And people do not freaking apologise to me or even look to see what was that they felt on their elbow. It’s a miracle how I don’t have bruises all over my face. And for maintaining relationship with people, it’s even harder for me. Not that I don’t try or put in the effort. It’s just like I’m forever starting the conversation, i’m always taking the first step to keep in contact and stuff. It gets tiring. And further more I am an introvert. Just makes things harder. And what’s more, I seriously screwed up all my papers. I still can remember one answer I put. And I have no freaking idea how or why I even put that. The question was what regulates the chemical environment in the brain or something along the line of regulating something. And I freaking put mid-brain. That is how screwed all my papers were.

Third reason is cos there are so many people out there that deserve a better life and I do not think I deserve any life at all.

Soooooo why I don’t wanna die. Only one reason. Things might get better. Though I am not certain it will. The future is never fixed, we will never know what will happen in future, maybe I would have a slightly better life maybe I won’t. Maybe I would jump off the building soon maybe I won’t. Maybe I would find my SO maybe I won’t. I mean which part of your future can you say will definitely happen? You’ll never know. But apparently this one reason is somewhat enough to keep me on this Earth. And frankly speaking, this reason is totally flimsy. So yea. Death, such an easy solution right but mehh

And really throughout this whole writing of this post, I’m not even pissed in the slightest. All I’m feeling right now is nothing. As emotionless as one can ever be. And the quote below totally doesn’t fit but mehh

“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.” ~ Corazon Aquino

Jun

What is love?

What is love???

I really wanna know the answer to this question. I know it’s different for everyone but I really wanna know what it means to me now.

I have friends that come to me talking abt love stuff asking me if they really love him or just infatuation, my friends come to me sometimes with all sort of problems and usually I can help them see ‘the light’ but whenever it comes to relationship stuff all I can do is lend them a listening ear and I seriously dunno what to tell them and stuff. It’s not that I’ve never been in a relationship, it’s just that I don’t know. I don’t know if I really loved my exs or it’s just cos it felt good having someone caring for me and stuff.

I really freaking don’t know. I don’t know what love is to me. I don’t know and I really really wish to know. It hurts being alone. It hurts lying here in bed typing this out while crying. It hurts not having someone to turn to to talk about all this. Freaking hurts. And I can totally foresee one way of dying for myself, crying myself to death. I don’t cry often. But when I cry, it hurts, hurts as if someone is squeezing my heart, squeezing it tightly wanting it to burst.

I really wish fairytales and happily ever after are real. But I know they aren’t. There will never be a romance or life as perfect as what we read or watch. Freaking ass. What the hell is love? I wanna know. I wanna have an answer to it. I can forgo knowing what’s the purpose of death or why is the sky blue or if ignorance is bliss, why are there so many unhappy people around. I just wanna know what is love. I wanna know what is love to me. I am just freaking tired. Freaking tired of always being ‘okay’ along. Freaking tired of acting. Freaking tired of living too

 

Jun

Random Babble

Hey guys,

So yea I didn’t write today’s daily prompt cos it’s kinda mehhhh not something I’ll really write for today. HAIZ this post is gonna be short again. Still not feeling all that well but alot better than yesterday.

So today, the 14th is my birthday but I don’t really celebrate my birthday after starting poly. I have no idea why haha, I just kinda stop paying attention to it much. Didn’t really care that only a few people wished me happy birthday last year. But this year, I have no idea why I kinda wished that someone would wish me happy birthday. Apparently nobody did, apparently everybody forgot my birthday. And to think I even bothered remembering everyone’s birthday even though it is so hard for me to remember June babies birthday hahha just can’t remember no matter how hard I try. Have to write it in my calander to remember. Urgh why the freak am I feeling all sad and depressed that nobody remembered? Urghhh and to think I’ve already told myself that I don’t really care. Urghhh oh goshhh I seriously feel like cursing and crying my hearts out but what’s the point man. What’s the point. They have already forgotten what’s the point of wasting my energy crying and cursing? Urgh okay guys byeeeee. Time to go pick up the broken pieces of my heart and try to fix them together again, urgh how the hell should I even pick them up when I can’t even tell my heart and the dirt on the ground. Okay enough depressing stuff byeee. Love you guys

“It takes a long time to become young.” ~ Pablo Picasso

Jun