Poof

What is depression? Depression is a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. More than 350 million people of all ages suffer from depression. More women are affected by it than men.

So why the hell am I talking about this? Well, for a very simple reason, I’ve been feeling depressed for like the whole freaking month and the thoughts of suicide passes through my mind constantly especially seeing how freaking useless I am during my group projects and how am I dealing with issues in life. I let these stuff affect me too much that it is bringing me down along with it.

It is funny how I know I have issues like this and how I know I shouldn’t let it affect me but it still does affect me so much. It isn’t even funny anymore. But when I still can deal with these problems, I I used to laugh at myself for being such a dumbass for letting things that don’t directly concern me affect me so much. For example, conflicts within a group of friends that I used to be close to can still affect me a lot, I even think it is my fault that this conflict happened cos by right it is my fault. I used to be the mediator, the listening ear, the conflict solver of that group. But now I’m not close to them already as they are all mostly in TP while I am here alone in SP so how the hell am I supposed to maintain the relationships with and within the group, I’m in the west and all of them are in the east. And now I’m just blaming myself for causing it.

Another thing is stupid family. Stupid freaking family. Problems forever cocking up here and there, everything blamed on me. I don’t even feel like calling that place home anymore. It don’t feel that way anymore. It is more like a place where I take shelter at night, nothing like the place I used to call home. Home is someplace where you can truly relax, let down all your troubles of the day and fully relax and chill. Now, it is nothing like that.

I don’t even remember what made me start writing this post. Cos right now I have already forgotten it like at the 3rd paragraph hahaha oh well all that I know is that feeling depressed really suck very bad. No mood, no energy, no nothing. So many sucky weeks man. And all happening after I come back from the China trip. I guess I left a whole half of me there. Haiz.

Jun

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