Dilemma

Hey guys like what this title says I’m in a dilemma if I can even call it that hahah. So what’s the dilemma. I have no idea too hahahha. I mean what I’m feeling now is like I wanna die and yet I don’t wanna die. Yea, it’s kind of a weird thing to be thinking about for a normal person hahah, I will never call myself normal cos I’m not exactly normal if there is even a proper definition for a normal human being.

So why this whole dying thing in the first place? I was just thinking about life. My life. And I realised something, it could be normal for everyone but then again it’s not like you would talk about your whole life to anyone right? I am pretty sure your SO doesn’t know all about your childhood righttt. The thing I realised is my life kinda have been pretty meaningless. There’s no meaning to it. There’s nothing worth remembering. True that there are fond memories with my friends and family and experiences that are truly worth remembering but what are memories? Memories are just past experiences that affect or influence our current behavior right? Granted it is important to have memories but there are all just recollection of stuff.

So reasons to why I wanna die haha. Well, as the name of my blog suggest, I am namelessly existing in this world. You guys might just be thinking ‘then go make your name known’, right like I don’t know that. I mean seriously about 150,000 people die each day and how many people are going to remember each one? I know they would have families and friends who will remember then for a while, what about those homeless people then what about abandoned babies? Even if I managed to do something that significant that people will remember me (totally not possible) how long would they remember? So what’s the whole damn point right

Second reason is that nothing in my freaking life is easy. Nothing ever goes easy. I know there are people out there living worst lives yet they are happy and whatever shit. I know. But it’s in the attitude also. I know I can change my attitude towards life and stuff. I know I can be stronger. I know but do I freaking care anymore? Nopes I don’t think I do. For example, I score well in this test I thought I would fail. Then when I go home all happy and stuff, something will either happen at home or somewhere along the way home, like my mum screaming at my brother or me getting jabbed in the face on the MRT. Me getting jabbed happens pretty often. If you guys have any ideas on how to avoid it please tell me. From what I know, it’s impossible. I am at the ‘perfect’ height, you know when people hold onto the overhead handrails thing, my face would be at the level of their elbow, be it my forehead, my chin, my nose or eyes. I’m just generally in that range so yea. And people do not freaking apologise to me or even look to see what was that they felt on their elbow. It’s a miracle how I don’t have bruises all over my face. And for maintaining relationship with people, it’s even harder for me. Not that I don’t try or put in the effort. It’s just like I’m forever starting the conversation, i’m always taking the first step to keep in contact and stuff. It gets tiring. And further more I am an introvert. Just makes things harder. And what’s more, I seriously screwed up all my papers. I still can remember one answer I put. And I have no freaking idea how or why I even put that. The question was what regulates the chemical environment in the brain or something along the line of regulating something. And I freaking put mid-brain. That is how screwed all my papers were.

Third reason is cos there are so many people out there that deserve a better life and I do not think I deserve any life at all.

Soooooo why I don’t wanna die. Only one reason. Things might get better. Though I am not certain it will. The future is never fixed, we will never know what will happen in future, maybe I would have a slightly better life maybe I won’t. Maybe I would jump off the building soon maybe I won’t. Maybe I would find my SO maybe I won’t. I mean which part of your future can you say will definitely happen? You’ll never know. But apparently this one reason is somewhat enough to keep me on this Earth. And frankly speaking, this reason is totally flimsy. So yea. Death, such an easy solution right but mehh

And really throughout this whole writing of this post, I’m not even pissed in the slightest. All I’m feeling right now is nothing. As emotionless as one can ever be. And the quote below totally doesn’t fit but mehh

“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.” ~ Corazon Aquino

Jun

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